It’s not like the movies

I’m a keen subscriber to the gospel of Katy Perry (who I recently learnt will play weddings for £1.2 million – I’m saving), so there is very little the True Queen of Pop (sorry Madge) says that I don’t agree with. For instance, I do believe I have to ignite my light and let it shine, and that if I travel the world nothing will come close to the golden coast.

And there’s one song by la Perry I particularly agree with – although not for the reason she intended. Not Like the Movies is Katy’s stark warning that if your relationship doesn’t match up to the one you just saw played out at the multiplex, it’s time to ditch and move on. I, on the other hand, thank the lord that love’s not like the movies.

Just look at Love Story – this is a film where the central characters are so wet and morose one of them has to die just to wake the audience up. If only they’d just rented a box set or something instead of spending all those months sulking and telling lies like “love means never having to say you’re sorry” (actually, it does: “sorry I forgot to put the bin out”, “sorry I dyed your favourite t-shirt pink”, “sorry I trod on your PES game and broke it, except secretly I’m not”) they might have been a lot happier.

There are lots of movies that tell blatant lies about relationships, but the main way the flicks mislead us is by fading to black at a romantic high point so we never learn what happens next. So, here are a few examples that prove why love should never be like the movies.

Warning: Contains spoilers

 

Carrie and Big

Sex and the City 1 & 2

So, you’ve spent thousands of dollars organising a wedding in the heart of NYC, coughed up a small fortune on couture bridesmaid dresses, advertised your big day to an audience of millions by appearing in a Vogue fashion shoot, invited everyone who’s anyone in the Big Apple and tied the carcass of a blue tit to your head. It’s your wedding day and it’s going to be one to remember. And remember it they will, although unfortunately for all the wrong reasons as your groom will jilt you, leading to an embarrassing roadside assault with a bunch of flowers.

Carrie and Big’s love affair has to be the best example ever committed to celluloid of what not to do in a relationship. Why these two stay together is absolutely beyond me. Is it any wonder that after watching her dream wedding crumble into a million gaudy pieces Carrie decided to bide her time, agreeing to marry Big at city hall while knowing that one day, when he started to resemble a hush puppy, she would escape to Dubai and fondle her ex? Rule number one: if a man jilts you at the altar, there is probably no going back.

 

Kimberly and Michael (and Julianne)

My Best Friend’s Wedding

It doesn’t take Mystic Meg to forecast the future for these newlyweds. Picture the scene: you’ve married a man whose best friend closely resembles (is) Julia Roberts. This is a woman who will not age a single day over the next 20 years, while you will grow increasingly pillow-faced. Your husband will insist on you all going out as a jolly threesome every few months for the rest of your lives and you will have to sit there listening to them share stories, tell in-jokes and sing karaoke songs from before you were on the scene.

He will console you by saying that you were the one he wanted to marry and you have nothing to be jealous of – despite the fact you caught them kissing ON YOUR WEDDING DAY. You will distract yourself with shopping, facials and the odd sherry and before you know it you’ll have turned into Sue Ellen Ewing, spending your evenings nursing a glass of whisky and angrily staring out of the window as you wait for your husband to come home from another “business meeting”.

 

Danny and Sandy

Grease

When I was a spritely high school student I could high kick with the best of them. When your life’s a musical, every day is a laugh-riot – especially when you find out you can pull off skin-tight spandex leggings. But what happens when the music stops?

You know how when you get into your mid-20s and suddenly the only clicking you do is that mysterious sound coming from your knee? And your wardrobe begins overflowing with knitwear? And you start saying things like “I just want to listen to music with a tune I can follow”? Well nothing pours cold water on the flames of passion ignited at Rydell High School faster than good old fashioned ageing.

Once the cameras stop rolling and Sandy and Danny have zoomed off together in that flying car, I imagine their story took a less romantic turn. Perhaps they had a big wedding with lots of singing and dancing. But then Sandy will have gone off to college and put her new-found sexual liberation to good use by bonding with deep-thinking beret-wearing male students. Meanwhile, Danny will have stayed close to home, indulging his passion for cars by training as a mechanic. After she graduates, Sandy returns to her husband and their home consumed with bitterness as she takes on the role of dutiful housewife, while he morphs into a chubbier version of the Fonz. No-one sings.

 

Samwise Gamgee and Rosie Cotton

The Lord of the Rings trilogy

There’s not a movie couple on the planet I want to be happy more than these two. Sadly though, I don’t feel optimistic about what the future holds for this hobbit husband and wife.

To start with, Sam has just returned from an epic journey through Middle Earth, during which his life was threatened practically every day. A journey which sent his best friend completely crackers. At the very least I foresee a very severe case of post-traumatic stress disorder.

Poor Rosie can tie as many ribbons as she likes in her hair and spend every night dancing around in an attempt to entice her husband, but it will be to no avail. Add to that his barely in-the-closet feelings for Frodo and this is a marriage on the rocks from the off.

 

Simba and Nala

The Lion King

Hooray! Simba is king! The circle of life is complete. He and Nala give birth to a son called Felix and their pride goes on to rule over the African plains fairly and compassionately for generations. A zebra sings a song about friendship. All is right with the world.

Except not really, because The Lion King is actually the greatest love story lie ever told. At first I thought the only misconception Disney seemed to promote was that lionesses have sexy long eyelashes, but it goes far deeper than that.

In reality, Nala’s marriage to Simba will not be a happy one. She’ll be sent off each day to hunt and drag carcasses back for him to feast on until he is full and only then will she be allowed to pick on the remains. And as for poor Felix – there’s every chance that he could end up hyena food before he’s even reached his first birthday, considering male lions have a tendency to murder cubs that might become competition for female attention. Given this, it is unlikely Mufasa would have allowed Scar to live in the first place, meaning absolutely none of The Lion King would have happened. And zebras can’t sing.

With such gloomy futures awaiting your favourite romantic film characters, aren’t you glad life’s not like the movies?